In My Head

Sometimes I get really stuck in my head and I have a really hard time explaining myself.
This is probably the result of the battle I can never win that has been called bi-polar disorder by my doctors.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with this, bi-polar disorder has two types: I and II. With type I, many people experience horrible hallucinations. With type II, many people are on a constant roller coaster of emotions.  

(Everyone who has bpdii experiences it in different ways so what I am saying applies specifically to me. Please keep that in mind as you continue reading. Also, sorry mom for what you are about to read.)  

When it's going good, it's great and when it's bad, it's awful. Actually, it is worse than awful. Sometimes I want to die. I've honestly thought about a thousand ways to end my life, but I've never gone through with it because someone once told me that "suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do" and I never wanted to put anyone (namely family and friends) through that. I know that that sounds kind of silly, but that one sentence really struck a chord with me years ago and that is what has kept me going every time I wanted to "take the easy way out."

Tonight I was talking to my boyfriend about a variety of things. We were discussing our relationship and how it is going to change while he is abroad. He commented on how lively I looked after our discussion and how nice it was to finally have me back to the way I normally am. This is what prompted me to finally explain to him what it is like for me on a daily basis.

I told him everything I mentioned above, and then some, and it helped him to finally understand that it isn't him, it's me. (Cliche, I know.) Any time I am short with him (or anyone for that matter) or don't respond, it's not because I don't want to talk to him. Instead, it's because I can't. I get so stuck in my head, thinking about a million and one things, wondering what life will throw my way next, that I can't respond. Sometimes I just need time to not talk to people and that is hard for many people to understand. It's easier for me to respond with a short "yeah" instead of telling you exactly how I am feeling.

Maybe I am afraid of what people will think. Maybe I just suck at being open and honest. Who knows. All I know is that I don't want to be afraid of expressing myself anymore. Life is too short to care what other people will think. Mental illnesses should not be shoved under the rug or pushed aside.

I've spent most of my life thinking that having this laundry list of chemical imbalances and issues was the worst thing in the world. But guess what? It's not. These things make me who I am and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

Thanks, TWLOHA, for this.