... is this ... growth?

I used to envy people who seemed so happy. I hated them even. It was never fair that folx could feel that and I couldn't. All I could feel was numb. I didn't understand that there were other ways to feel. Yeah, I could fake it, but it never really stuck. I knew something was wrong, but no matter what I did with medications or therapy or other temporary solutions, nothing worked.

It was years that I felt like this. Honestly, it was for as long as I can remember. I constantly felt like I was spiraling into an abyss and I couldn't claw my way out. The light at the end of the tunnel was so dim I could barely see it and often struggled to hold on.

I tried to find joy in things: painting, photography, doodling, writing, drinking, spending time with friends, falling in love and getting married... but everything was just a band-aid. My fight or flight response was constantly activated and I could never relax or stop feeling anxious so the spiraling continued. My manic episodes were terrible and I couldn't get a grip on how to fix it. I was stuck.

And then one day... things felt lighter. I wasn't constantly thinking about ending my life... I wasn't even passively thinking about it. My intrusive thoughts became less and less frequent and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Of course this didn't happen overnight, but it honestly felt like it did. I remember I was in the shower a month or so ago and was thinking to myself "wow, this is the first time in forever where I don't want to die..." and then I cried. And it was so freeing.

So how did I get here? 

Well, number 1: Therapy and medication, and lots of it. I found a therapist who works with me and helps me understand the why behind how I am feeling and how to move through it. She has helped me to find ways to process some of my C-PTSD and to actually talk about how I am feeling instead of just pushing the feelings aside.

Number 2: two very wise friends told me to be kinder to myself and I started doing that. It sounds super silly to remove (most) of the negative self talk, but Holy Toledo, it has worked wonders for me. I know it's not a cure-all, but truly... wow. I have noticed a difference.

Number 3: I have changed how I look at my chronic illnesses and disabilities. I have had to reframe my thinking from "when I was better" or "before" to thinking about what life looks like now. Am I still sad about how different my life is now? Absolutely. Am I still grieving the loss of my life before I was sick? 1000%. The difference now is I am trying not to focus so much on it so I can start to enjoy where I am at now. It's hard to fully express this right now (yay brain fog!) but I definitely want to talk more about this when I can think a bit better.

I spent so much of my life thinking "oh, I won't make it to *insert age here*" and never really did future planning. Now I'm thinking about life 5, 10, 15, even 20 years into the future and it's beautiful. I'm finally loving my life and who I am (hell yeah for being in my thirties, getting divorced, and dropping the weight of anyone's expectations other than my own!). It's been a very l o n g and exhausting road, but here we are. 

So, if there's anything you can take away from my ramblings today it's this: life is fucking hard, but things can get better. If you're struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's there. You have people in your corner who want to see you succeed and keep going (hell, I can be one of those people for you). (Note: Yes, I know I am privileged to be able to say things have gotten better and to have access to the resources to get me where I am. I have had to work hard to get here and I am proud of where I am and want to find ways to give back to others who aren't as lucky, but that's a story for another time...)

Yesterday was National Suicide Prevention Day and TWLOHA's theme this year is Please Stay Alive. I am so happy I have persevered and have kept going, one day at a time. I am still here and I am happy you are too.

Visit https://pleasestayalive.com/ for resources if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or just having a rough time.

I'm Back, Baby!

Wow... it's been a while since I've written here. I honestly forgot about this and how much I used to love writing. I realized I lost this part of me when I had gotten married, along with so many other parts of myself.

In case you haven't been following my social media, quite a few changes have come up for me in the last year. Here's a quick recap:

In July 2023, my now ex-spouse left me suddenly, citing he wanted to become monogamous with his new girlfriend. And that was that. There was nothing I could say or do to "fix" things. (Looking back, how can you fix something if you're the only one working towards it? Oh Allee, we were so naïve.) My biggest fear that I would be left to manage my life as a disabled woman alone came true... I had talked about this over and over again with my therapist (there were so many signs things were not going well, I know, I know...) trying to figure out how I could ever go on if my ex left me. I was so scared of having to figure out life on my own in my wheelchair that I had never stopped to think it could actually be the best thing to happen to me. And July 2023 Allee refused to think that. She was depressed, withering away (seriously, I lost so much weight I looked sicker than ever), and couldn't leave the house. 

I moved out a week and two days after he said it was over into a cute little cottage with a backyard, bringing Boba, Persie, and Nebula with me. 

I worked hard to pull myself out of the depths of depression. I worked from home for almost two months. I cried every day and could barely leave my bed. 

November hit and I had moved passed sadness and into anger. My ex had pulled a Michael Scott ("I declare divorce!") and did nothing other than make things difficult for me. I tried to be civil and work together to file for divorce, but alas, the deadlines I set were not met and I filed for divorce myself. He hired a lawyer, I didn't, and still got what I wanted (including the money he owed me). As of February 12, 2024, I am legally divorced. 

Now between the shittiness, there were many glimmers of happiness and hope.

The Funeral; 2023 

I dressed up as Poison Ivy for Halloween for the first time, which was something I had wanted to do for years and never did. I drew a lot of chaos art (check it out on Instagram: @CryptidWonderland) and spent time with my chosen family. I created a badass self-portrait utilizing my complex's hot tub (see below. ID will be at the bottom of the page). I met my wonderful partner, Whitney, and we even moved in together in July. 

I also did a lot with work. I nominated myself for two awards within professional organizations I'm part of and won them both! (NWACUHO Operations and Facilities Award and ACUHO-I's Mid-Level Professional Award) I got a promotion and moved into a manager role where I supervise a professional staff member and have been working on opening a new building (staff just moved in last week!). 

I share all of this because I want to normalize shit happening. Sometimes the things you think you want are taken away and you're forced to figure out a new normal. Divorce happens. It sucks a lot when you don't feel like you get a say in it, but hey, we move on, right? 

I cannot recommend speaking with a therapist to get through the worst days of your life (and to talk about the good, too!). I don't think I would've survived the last year without therapy, my chosen family, and my animals. 

Life looks different now than it did a year ago and I'm happier than ever. I listened to a lot of music that helped me process my emotions (though I do wish Taylor's Tortured Poet's Department came out last July... so many of those songs hit so hard with what I was processing...).

I am slowly trying to get back into doing things I love and rediscovering parts of myself I pushed away over the last 5 years, hence the jump back into blogging. 

I'm not sure how often I'll blog, but I want to use this as a space to normalize things and talk through the good, the bad, and the ugly of disabled life.

If you've read this far, thanks for being here. Here's some music that got me through the last year:
Happier Than Ever

The Funeral

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

Who's Afraid of Little Old Me

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

Lover

Fade Into You

Anything Chappell Roan

I'm Back

{image description: a white woman with a heavily tattooed arm emerges from the water with clouds of steam around her. She is wearing her black wedding dress and is holding a bouquet of her wedding flowers in her left hand. She glances over her left shoulder down into the water.}