It was years that I felt like this. Honestly, it was for as long as I can remember. I constantly felt like I was spiraling into an abyss and I couldn't claw my way out. The light at the end of the tunnel was so dim I could barely see it and often struggled to hold on.
I tried to find joy in things: painting, photography, doodling, writing, drinking, spending time with friends, falling in love and getting married... but everything was just a band-aid. My fight or flight response was constantly activated and I could never relax or stop feeling anxious so the spiraling continued. My manic episodes were terrible and I couldn't get a grip on how to fix it. I was stuck.
And then one day... things felt lighter. I wasn't constantly thinking about ending my life... I wasn't even passively thinking about it. My intrusive thoughts became less and less frequent and I finally felt like I could breathe.
Of course this didn't happen overnight, but it honestly felt like it did. I remember I was in the shower a month or so ago and was thinking to myself "wow, this is the first time in forever where I don't want to die..." and then I cried. And it was so freeing.
So how did I get here?
Well, number 1: Therapy and medication, and lots of it. I found a therapist who works with me and helps me understand the why behind how I am feeling and how to move through it. She has helped me to find ways to process some of my C-PTSD and to actually talk about how I am feeling instead of just pushing the feelings aside.
Number 2: two very wise friends told me to be kinder to myself and I started doing that. It sounds super silly to remove (most) of the negative self talk, but Holy Toledo, it has worked wonders for me. I know it's not a cure-all, but truly... wow. I have noticed a difference.
Number 3: I have changed how I look at my chronic illnesses and disabilities. I have had to reframe my thinking from "when I was better" or "before" to thinking about what life looks like now. Am I still sad about how different my life is now? Absolutely. Am I still grieving the loss of my life before I was sick? 1000%. The difference now is I am trying not to focus so much on it so I can start to enjoy where I am at now. It's hard to fully express this right now (yay brain fog!) but I definitely want to talk more about this when I can think a bit better.
I spent so much of my life thinking "oh, I won't make it to *insert age here*" and never really did future planning. Now I'm thinking about life 5, 10, 15, even 20 years into the future and it's beautiful. I'm finally loving my life and who I am (hell yeah for being in my thirties, getting divorced, and dropping the weight of anyone's expectations other than my own!). It's been a very l o n g and exhausting road, but here we are.
So, if there's anything you can take away from my ramblings today it's this: life is fucking hard, but things can get better. If you're struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's there. You have people in your corner who want to see you succeed and keep going (hell, I can be one of those people for you). (Note: Yes, I know I am privileged to be able to say things have gotten better and to have access to the resources to get me where I am. I have had to work hard to get here and I am proud of where I am and want to find ways to give back to others who aren't as lucky, but that's a story for another time...)
Yesterday was National Suicide Prevention Day and TWLOHA's theme this year is Please Stay Alive. I am so happy I have persevered and have kept going, one day at a time. I am still here and I am happy you are too.
Visit https://pleasestayalive.com/ for resources if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or just having a rough time.
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