I'm Back, Baby!

Wow... it's been a while since I've written here. I honestly forgot about this and how much I used to love writing. I realized I lost this part of me when I had gotten married, along with so many other parts of myself.

In case you haven't been following my social media, quite a few changes have come up for me in the last year. Here's a quick recap:

In July 2023, my now ex-spouse left me suddenly, citing he wanted to become monogamous with his new girlfriend. And that was that. There was nothing I could say or do to "fix" things. (Looking back, how can you fix something if you're the only one working towards it? Oh Allee, we were so naïve.) My biggest fear that I would be left to manage my life as a disabled woman alone came true... I had talked about this over and over again with my therapist (there were so many signs things were not going well, I know, I know...) trying to figure out how I could ever go on if my ex left me. I was so scared of having to figure out life on my own in my wheelchair that I had never stopped to think it could actually be the best thing to happen to me. And July 2023 Allee refused to think that. She was depressed, withering away (seriously, I lost so much weight I looked sicker than ever), and couldn't leave the house. 

I moved out a week and two days after he said it was over into a cute little cottage with a backyard, bringing Boba, Persie, and Nebula with me. 

I worked hard to pull myself out of the depths of depression. I worked from home for almost two months. I cried every day and could barely leave my bed. 

November hit and I had moved passed sadness and into anger. My ex had pulled a Michael Scott ("I declare divorce!") and did nothing other than make things difficult for me. I tried to be civil and work together to file for divorce, but alas, the deadlines I set were not met and I filed for divorce myself. He hired a lawyer, I didn't, and still got what I wanted (including the money he owed me). As of February 12, 2024, I am legally divorced. 

Now between the shittiness, there were many glimmers of happiness and hope.

The Funeral; 2023 

I dressed up as Poison Ivy for Halloween for the first time, which was something I had wanted to do for years and never did. I drew a lot of chaos art (check it out on Instagram: @CryptidWonderland) and spent time with my chosen family. I created a badass self-portrait utilizing my complex's hot tub (see below. ID will be at the bottom of the page). I met my wonderful partner, Whitney, and we even moved in together in July. 

I also did a lot with work. I nominated myself for two awards within professional organizations I'm part of and won them both! (NWACUHO Operations and Facilities Award and ACUHO-I's Mid-Level Professional Award) I got a promotion and moved into a manager role where I supervise a professional staff member and have been working on opening a new building (staff just moved in last week!). 

I share all of this because I want to normalize shit happening. Sometimes the things you think you want are taken away and you're forced to figure out a new normal. Divorce happens. It sucks a lot when you don't feel like you get a say in it, but hey, we move on, right? 

I cannot recommend speaking with a therapist to get through the worst days of your life (and to talk about the good, too!). I don't think I would've survived the last year without therapy, my chosen family, and my animals. 

Life looks different now than it did a year ago and I'm happier than ever. I listened to a lot of music that helped me process my emotions (though I do wish Taylor's Tortured Poet's Department came out last July... so many of those songs hit so hard with what I was processing...).

I am slowly trying to get back into doing things I love and rediscovering parts of myself I pushed away over the last 5 years, hence the jump back into blogging. 

I'm not sure how often I'll blog, but I want to use this as a space to normalize things and talk through the good, the bad, and the ugly of disabled life.

If you've read this far, thanks for being here. Here's some music that got me through the last year:
Happier Than Ever

The Funeral

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

Who's Afraid of Little Old Me

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

Lover

Fade Into You

Anything Chappell Roan

I'm Back

{image description: a white woman with a heavily tattooed arm emerges from the water with clouds of steam around her. She is wearing her black wedding dress and is holding a bouquet of her wedding flowers in her left hand. She glances over her left shoulder down into the water.}