For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder II when I was in high school. It looks different for everyone, but for me it means there's vicious mood swings. When things are going good, everything is great, but when things are bad, they're awful. One minute everything will be going well and the next minute, without warning, I can snap into an awful mood. The smallest things can set me off and there's no way for me to be prepared. I try my best to hide it, shrug it off, keep quiet, but unfortunately my face just says it all. No matter how hard I try, everyone knows when the switch happens.
It sucks. Having this disorder is awful. Top it off with depression and anxiety and it's worse than you could ever imagine. Constantly dealing with the crippling anxiety when trying to do mundane tasks like getting out of bed, going to the store, going into work... it's exhausting... and quite frankly, sometimes I wish there was a way out so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I get stuck in my head and overthink everything I do, everything I say, everything that happens around me. I'm wildly in tune with how others are feeling and I constantly feel that too, on top of everything I am dealing with in my head too.
All of that being said, I'm still here. I kept living... I KEEP living. No matter how shitty things get, how stuck in my head I am, I always find a reason to keep going. With the support of my amazing friends and family, I keep going.
This path has not been easy, but I'm making changes in my life to hopefully make it a bit better. I want to get better, in more ways than one, and I want to keep living. Here's to making positive changes, no matter how tough, and having amazing friends, old and new, to support me in the process.
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| I Wanna Get Better; 2016 |
