27 Candles

I never really thought I’d ever make it to 27. There’s no real reason why; it just never felt tangible. I thought for sure something was going to happen to me or that I was going to take my life, but here I am. I turn 27 in a few days and I am in utter disbelief. 

Birthdays have never been amazing for me (and neither have holidays), despite the effort of my parents trying their hardest. I guess I’ve just never been truly happy. And that sounds sad to say because I should have been a happy kid. But I wasn’t. 

Regardless, here I am... on the brink of 27. I have some of the greatest people in my life. I have people who challenge me daily and support me through my tough times. I have students that I loved dearly, even when they drive me nuts. And I have my wife. The person who I never thought I’d find, who makes me so happy, even through the depression. 

These last 26 years have been rough, and I’m sure year 27 will be too, but with my friends and my wife by my side, I’m sure I’ll make it through. 

Drowning

It feels like every time I sit down to blog something, I'm feeling fairly shitty and my mental health has spiraled downward. So here I am again... blogging as I sit in bed at 8pm on a Thursday night.

My life is pretty routine these days: I wake up, go to work, come home, and then sleep. There's not much else in between because I'm too damn exhausted to do anything else. And that stems from my awful mental health that I can never seem to get right.

Every time I feel like I am on track, climbing to the top of the hill, something hits me and a plummet downward until I can't see anything above me. It feels like I'm drowning and I can't pull myself out of the water. And then I'm stuck there flailing until I find something to hold on to.

The worst part is I can feel myself slipping away into the depths of the ocean but I can never save myself before it happens. I feel myself losing interest in everything and everyone around me, pulling away until I no longer want to leave, yet I always find myself here.

I can't feel anything, though. I am numb to everything around me. I turn on the shower as hot as it can go to feel something, anything. I scream into the water as it surrounds me but all that I see is the light fading away and I am moving further into the darkness.

I am here, drowning in the ocean of my depression. I know I'll get better, as long as I continue to see the light.