Thank You

In the spirit of the end of the month of thanks, I figured I would dedicate this post to everyone who is near and dear to me:

Thank you to Tess, Kristina, Tiara, Kim, Jenn, Allison, and Erin for being my best friends. I don't tell you this enough, but I am so lucky to have you all in my life and am so glad we are friends. I love and miss you all dearly. Thank you for always being an ear when I need to bitch and moan about ridiculous things, even if we haven't talked in weeks.

Thank you to my friends, new and old, for being so wonderful. Thanks for taking me to my first Wizard World, Billy. Thanks for always being a great listener, Tim. Thanks for inviting me over for Thanksgiving, Dom. Thanks for always picking up where we left off, without skipping a beat, Michelle and Britt. Thanks for making me laugh until it hurts, Gina and Alyssa.

Thank you to my current staff of RAs for welcoming me into this position and for being so understanding as I get my bearings. You're all fantastic people and I'm so happy to be working with you. I can't wait to see what next semester holds for our staff.

Thank you to my staff at UGA this last summer. You're all amazing and I'm so glad I met you. We had a crazy summer that I never would've survived alone. Thanks for being so patient with me as I learned how to navigate my position. You all taught me so much and I continue to use what I've learned in my new role.

Thank you to my parents for always supporting me and my decisions. Thank you for all of the opportunities you have given me and for giving me experiences to learn and grow from. I love you both so much and I really do appreciate everything you've done for Jordan and I all these years.

Thank you to my not-so-little brother, Jordan, for accepting me in my craziest moments and for not getting too embarrassed by me in public. Thank you for always humoring me by taking pictures with me. You know how much that means to me.

I've realized lately that I have a lot to be thankful for even though things seem to constantly be falling apart. Instead of dwelling on the bad, I'm going to continue focusing on the good, starting with this:

I'll be returning to the University of Georgia as the Residence Life Coordinator for Duke TIP's Summer Studies Program and I couldn't be more excited for this opportunity.

Here's to hoping for more good news in the coming weeks regarding grad school!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here
so that's something to smile about!

My Name's Blurryface ...

... and I care what you think.

I've always tried to convince myself that I didn't care what people thought about me. The older I get, the more I realize how much I care.

Towards the end of this past week, I had to put my foot down about a few things and it resulted in a slight uproar. As this was happening, it dawned on me that I really cared about people view me. I was afraid that my decisions were going to impact the relationships I had built thus far and that they were going to like me less. And that's how it felt. For a moment, I was really worried that people were all going to hate me and stop talking to me the way they had been. I'd worked so hard to develop individual relationships that I was concerned if I put my foot down too hard, they'd crumble.
After some deliberation, I found a happy medium to stand my ground, but also appease others.

As I was writing this out, I had a flashback to something an ex had said to me a few years ago. We were at Arcadia and as we were leaving one of the buildings, I held the door open for a bunch of people, even though they were really far away. They were elderly people so I was trying to be nice, but my ex had said that I did it because I was afraid of what they would think about me if I didn't hold the door. At the time, I tried to convince this person that I wasn't afraid of what they'd think and that I was just trying to be a decent person. The more I think about this instance, the more it rings true: I do care what people think. Most of the time, I just want people to see that I am a decent person, but to whose gain? What does it really matter what people think about me? I know that I'm a good person so why should I care what everyone else thinks? I guess that's a side effect of being human.

I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think

Elephants can't jump

Life is weird. I'm at the point in my life where half of my friends are engaged, getting married, and having kids while the other half can't find their keys when they are drunk. It's a very weird place to be.

I've always been known to date people. Whether it's a serious relationship (some lasting up to four years) or casual dating, I'm used to sharing my time with someone else. After coming out of a serious relationship with someone I thought I was going to marry, I decided to do what any logical person would do: sleep around. I'd never had the opportunity to do it before so I figured why the hell not?

It was definitely a great year that turned into two years, but it has seem to lose its appeal. I've been dating people off and on for the last year or so and am trying hard not to just sleep around anymore. (Not because I don't enjoy it, but because I'm longing for a deeper connection, ya know?) 

As a twenty-something living in 2015, it's not uncommon to sleep around and date a ton of people. Many people in my generation seem to have given up on the whole relationship aspect of life and have moved into the hookup scene. There's nothing wrong with this, but I don't think this is solely what I want any more.

I've spent the last two (+) years finding myself and figuring out who I am as my own person. It's been a rough road, but I'm finally starting to understand what I want in life (and a partner too, if that's in the cards). I'm realizing I shouldn't (and don't need to) rely on someone else for my happiness. My friends might be in committed relationships, but that doesn't mean I have to be. At this point in my life, there's nothing I should be doing. There's no right place to be and I need to stop comparing myself to others (in all aspects) because all that does is drive me crazy.

For a long time, I would constantly compare myself to other people my age and if I wasn't where they were, I thought I was doing something wrong. But honestly, who the fuck cares? Everyone is different and no one's journey is going to look exactly the same. So what if my friends are getting married and having kids right now? That's not where I am and that's okay. 

Someone once told me that "you can't compare the start of your journey to another person's middle" so I challenge you all to think differently and stop stressing about where you are at in comparison to others. Just do your own thing and enjoy the ride. Things will all work out in the end, right?

;

It's no secret that I've been having a rough go of it as of late. Luckily, I've been working hard to pull myself out of this rut.

On Friday the 13th, I decided to get tattooed. I spoke with my awesome artist and she came up with a sweet cat design for me. Once I was in the shop, I thought about a second tattoo I've been wanting for a while. I casually asked my artist if she'd be able to do a small semicolon on my left wrist the next time I came into the shop and she said she could just do it right then and there.

The idea behind the tattoo is that in literature, a semicolon is used when an author chooses to not end a sentence. I am the author and the sentence is my life and I am choosing to continue. This little tattoo will serve as a reminder that even though the going may get tough, I have to choose to continue.

When I woke up on Saturday, I was still in a weird mood, but decided not to sleep my entire day away. I spent the afternoon at a pet store with my close friend who was (and still is) looking for a puppy. After I left her house, I decided I didn't feel like going back to my apartment so I stopped at my parents house. I managed to guilt trip my brother into spending some quality time together by purchasing two tickets to see Spectre, the new 007 movie.

(I promise this next part is relevant, so bear with me.) My brother is super into conspiracy theories and even calls himself a "truther" because he looks into everything the government says. Apparently the information he finds is out there for anyone to look at, but most people choose not to seek it out. He follows something called Infowars and this is where he gets all of his information. Anyway, some of the things he has been talking about for months was talked about in Spectre. He was freaking out throughout the entire movie. Without providing too many spoilers, basically the government was releasing a new world order that was able to track everything that everyone was doing and had one centralized system to "keep everyone safe". This is something my brother has been talking our ears off about for months so it was weird that it was happening in a movie. (If you ever want to talk more in depth about this stuff, I can definitely put you into contact with my wonderfully crazy little brother. He will gladly talk your ear off about this...)

Seeing Spectre with my brother was a great choice. The movie was awesome, but it was also nice to bond (see what I did there?). It's been quite some time since my brother and I just talked and acted stupid together. I didn't realize it before, but I really miss seeing him every day. 

I finished off a good weekend today with a staff bonding day. We went downtown for a few hours to do a scavenger hunt that I designed. There were four separate teams made up of an RA from every hall, intentionally done so the RAs would have to interact with different people they don't talk to everyday. Despite some grumbling, everyone seemed to have a good time. We ended the day with a staff dinner in the lounge with some throwback music provided by one of the RAs. Overall, I'd say today was a success.

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Though the going has been a bit tough lately, I think I'm going to do just fine moving forward. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is a bit dim. Thanks to everyone who has been reaching out/dealing with me these last few weeks. I love you all <3

Numb

Ever have one of those days where you're just kind of going through the motions, but feel like you're not really there? Well, that's how I've been feeling for the last few weeks. I've been doing a good job of hiding it, but it's slowly getting worse. I'm at the point where I'm exhausted all of the time, no matter how much or how little I sleep, and I have zero motivation to do anything. (This is an awful feeling, in case you were wondering)

I'm in this weird place where I'm feeling kind of numb to everything. I'm here and am listening, but I'm not really taking in everything the way I used to. I don't really know how to describe this feeling, but just know it is not a fun thing to be dealing with. 

Despite my lack of motivation, I still get out of bed every morning and go to work with a fake smile plastered on my face. As badly as I want to stay in bed all day long and ignore the world, I force myself to get up. This is a win for me. In the past, I'd search for every reason not to get up and continue on with my day. I'd stay in my room all day and would hide away from everyone. While that was one way to handle it, I've learned that's probably not the best way.

Depression manifests itself in many ways. Sometimes I feel physically exhausted, other times I am incredibly moody and push everyone away. As previously mentioned, I'm in the physically exhausted stage right now, but I am trying to make sure I don't push everyone away, which is why I am forcing myself to write this.

I apologize for the short, half-assed post, but I needed to write this down.

Here's to hoping I can pull myself out of this rut... soon.

See You Again

Have you ever seen a dead person with your own eyes? When they are all done up for the viewing, they look fake.  Sometimes they don't look like who you remember them as they once were. Their waxy, cold figure just doesn't feel the same.

It's so hard to comprehend that someone can actually be gone forever. I'm finding it incredibly hard to wrap my head around all of this still, even after seeing the strange version of the friend I once knew. 

All the childhood memories flooded back as soon as we pulled up to the funeral home. I saw old friends, some who I haven't seen in years, and was immediately taken back to the carefree times that seem so far away now. I couldn't hold back the tears once I saw my friends. I just couldn't believe this had happened. 

Since hearing the news, all I kept thinking was this has to be some sort of sick nightmare, but alas, it was the harsh reality that I continue to refuse to accept. 

I've cried a lot over the last two weeks. Between the rapid death of my cat and the untimely death of an old friend, I've been a bit of a wreck. Even though it's been rough, I've had a lot of time to reflect on life. From this reflection, I've decided to reach out to people more often. I want people to know that I love and care about them because too often our time is cut short and we regret the things we never said. I don't want to feel as though there were a million things I wish I had said to someone. Instead, I plan to let people know how I feel. People deserve to know they are loved and cared for.

Life is fleeting. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Tell people you love and care about them weekly (daily if you're lucky enough). Take care of yourself. Do what you love and what makes you happy. Life is too short to be miserable. Be happy as often as you can and try to look on the bright side. 

To all of my readers, know that I love and care for you. Feel free to drop a line, even if just to say hello. 

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All of this has really sucked, but I know that one day I will see you again. RIP Andrew. Love and miss you, always <3