A Letter to My Exes

Dear Exes,

It's been a while since we've talked. Some of you I hope to never speak to again, others have drifted apart since our lives have taken us different directions.

I hope this letter finds you well and that you are happy in whatever you are doing. I hope you've found someone that makes you happy and are doing things you've always wanted.

I'm writing this letter because I wanted to thank you for what you've done for me. Many of you have taught me not only how to love someone else, but also how to love myself. In a broader sense, that's pretty much the reason I'm not with any of you any more, if we are being completely honest here... 

In one way or another, you each have taught me something special. I've learned not to take shit from anyone. I've learned that I am strong person who does not need to rely on another person to do things for me. I've learned that I can be happy alone. I've learned that love shouldn't hurt physically. I've learned that love shouldn't abuse you emotionally. I've learned that I am worth more than what you used to tell me. I've learned that first and foremost I need to love and put myself first, instead of bending over backwards for someone who didn't even seem to notice I was there. But most of all, I've learned that everything happens for a reason.

Yes, I used that cliche here, but it's true. Honestly, I always had my life planned out. For a long time, I thought I would be married to you with a house and kids, living life as a freelance photographer. Then, I thought I would be living in this area for the rest of my life, probably miserable since I had never gotten to travel the world the way I had wanted to. Now, I realize I don't have to change my plans for anyone. The right person won't make you change your direction for them. They will support and love you, no matter where you choose to go.

So like I said, I wanted to thank you for teaching me these lessons. They were not easy to learn, but they were necessary. I was young and naive, I was a drunk, I was a mess, but now I'm taking the steps I need to in order to better myself and be the best person I can be. And I couldn't have done it without you.

Thanks again, wherever you all are,

Me

Six Months

For the last six months, I've been dealing with something that I haven't shared with many. It's not because I don't want people to know, but rather it's been something I've been trying to come to terms with myself.

I guess the best way to start this is to re-introduce myself to you:

Hi, I'm Allee and I'm an alcoholic.

This is something I've been battling for a long time, but haven't ever shared it with anyone. (Also, I was the last person to know I had a problem, so that also adds to it.) I look back at my life prior to admitting this and realize how much of a problem it truly was. I wasn't in a good place, for a variety of reasons, but I came into contact with someone who helped me to realize it's okay to be struggling and that there are ways to get help. That person had no idea how much hearing their own story helped me to come to terms with my addiction, but I am forever grateful they shared it with me.

The reason I felt compelled to share today and not any other day is because today marks six months sober. It's been a tough journey so far, and I hope it gets easier, but I understand that I will have my good days and my bad days. What's important to note is that yes, today I have six months, but tomorrow I could start all over. Sobriety is an ongoing process and though I hope I can continue down the path I am on, things happen.

For those of you that I've distanced myself from over the last six months, it's nothing personal. As I mentioned before, this has been a struggle and I have been trying to find ways to have fun without being in the presence of alcohol, which is quite difficult for a twenty-something to do. I've felt left out, I've been angry, and I've cried. It's sucked many weekends to say "no" to something I really wanted to do, all because I was concerned about being surrounded by my triggers. I want you all to know that even if I've distanced myself from you, I love you dearly and care about you. I just can't have fun in the ways we used to.

Now, I'm not sharing this for any kind of sympathy or kind words. To be honest, I just wanted to get it off of my chest because I felt like I was hiding something about myself. I'm finally getting comfortable with the skin I'm in and this is a part of me now. The other reason I'm sharing this is because I want others to know it is okay not to be okay and that there are others struggling as well. I want others to know that people are here to help, and if they need someone to talk to about this, I'm here and willing to do help in whatever capacity I can. I'm not perfect, but sometimes it helps just to have someone who understands listen to what you're going through. So if you need someone, I'm here.

If you're interested in learning more about my story or just want someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to reach out. 

That's all folks!