Thursday, December 10, 2015

Gertie

Last night as I was driving to Arcadia for a photo shoot, my car started to overheat again. I made it to AU in the nick of time, but when I was getting ready to leave, Gertie did not want to start. I called my father, placed him on speaker phone, and tried to start my car again.

"I don't like the sound of that, I'll be right over."

As I sat in my car waiting for my dad to come save me from Arcadia's parking lot, I started to think about how much Gertie and I had been through together. I knew that our time was coming to an end, but I didn't realize how soon it would be.

Gertie has been in my life since June of 2009, but she has been in existence since 1995. I found her on Craig's List and it was love at first sight. It also helped that she was only $700, but I mostly loved her because of her wonderful teal color. My parents and I met a shady man in a Dunkin' Donuts parking lot to look at Gertie and the rest is history.

Gertie had a ton of problems when I first got her: (including, but not limited to) a broken key stuck in the ignition (multiple times), inability to lock the doors, a messed up transmission, and the ability to start the car with any and every key. Luckily when I first got Gertie, I was attending tech school and the automotive students were able to fix many of her problems. (It was much cheaper since I only had to pay for parts instead of having to also pay for labor.) 

The laundry list of issues did not stop there, though. As Gertie grew older, she developed issues with her heating coil, which was ultimately the cause of her untimely death, issues with her windows, and difficulty shifting on the highway. Gertie became accustomed to wearing duct tape on her driver's side window for the last six months of her life because the window no longer stayed up on its own. And who could forget the god awful sound her back doors made when they opened...

Gertie has traveled all over New Jersey countless times. She's been my mode of transportation to visit some of my best friends in the whole wide world and without her I'm not sure how this will be possible. She's taken me to and from multiple Union, Flyers, and Philles games. She's accompanied me to numerous photo shoots, has let me climb onto her roof to get the perfect shot, and has helped me to make some incredible memories.  She lost a mirror the first time we drove to Manayunk and has been hit/scratched up in parking lots more times than I can count (mostly because I wasn't present for most of her cuts and scrapes).

Gertie was a wonderful first car and I'm so happy she lived as long as she did.

Thanks for the memories, Gertie!

Monday, December 7, 2015

Public Service Announcement

Over the weekend, I had one of my first awful car experiences and I had to deal with it alone. My wonderful car, Gertie, had a bit of a mishap and decided to overheat pretty badly. To be fair, I hadn't been diligently checking my coolant/anti-freeze levels, but I swear I was about to do it as soon as I had gotten to my destination... Any way, I had basically lived out my dad's biggest fear with this car: breaking down far enough away from home that he wouldn't be able to bail me out. I was driving down the off ramp and onto 130 in Jersey when may car just pretty much shut off. It was pretty damn terrifying, but I tried to maintain my cool and look for a shoulder to pull off onto. Just my luck, there wasn't a shoulder, but instead a shady little driveway that I could partially glide onto before my car decided it did not want to go any further. 
Spending some quality time with
Gertie on 130

I did everything my wonderful father had taught me to do: put on my hazards, open the hood, and then call him for help. Being stranded on the side of the road in Jersey was not the phone call he wanted to get, but hey, shit happens right?

After trying to figure out what the hell had actually happened, it dawned on my dad that I had not been listening to him and monitoring the fluids in my car. (He wasn't wrong, but I swear I was going to do it later...) My dad decided my best bet was to tow the car to Tess' house (which was seriously only FIVE MORE MINUTES AWAY FROM WHERE I BROKE DOWN), let the car cool off, and then add the anti-freeze to it later. I called Tess and laughed my way through my predicament and she said she would call her dad to see if he knew a tow truck. Instead of sending a tow truck, her dad and step-mom came to help me out themselves, which was seriously the best thing ever.After sitting with my hood up on the side of the interstate for about forty five minutes, it had cooled down enough to add the anti-freeze and get me back on the road.

I'm so thankful that I have so wonderful people in my life who so graciously offered to help me out. Shout out to everyone I snap chatted and offered a hand as well. Also, shout out to all of the assholes who drove by me on the side of the road and honked at me as if I purposefully stopped my car partially in a lane because I wanted to do it. 
From now on, I am going to take better care of my baby. She's been in my life for about seven years now and she is quite old (almost twenty-one!) so she needs extra attention.

This has been a public service announcement in the form of a story so I hope you all take better care of your cars than I do so you don't have to learn the hard way.


Thank goodness for best friends,
beer, and the Sons of Ben <3
(Neshaminy Creek Brewing Co. was Tess
and I's final destination on Saturday.)

Monday, November 30, 2015

Thank You

In the spirit of the end of the month of thanks, I figured I would dedicate this post to everyone who is near and dear to me:

Thank you to Tess, Kristina, Tiara, Kim, Jenn, Allison, and Erin for being my best friends. I don't tell you this enough, but I am so lucky to have you all in my life and am so glad we are friends. I love and miss you all dearly. Thank you for always being an ear when I need to bitch and moan about ridiculous things, even if we haven't talked in weeks.

Thank you to my friends, new and old, for being so wonderful. Thanks for taking me to my first Wizard World, Billy. Thanks for always being a great listener, Tim. Thanks for inviting me over for Thanksgiving, Dom. Thanks for always picking up where we left off, without skipping a beat, Michelle and Britt. Thanks for making me laugh until it hurts, Gina and Alyssa.

Thank you to my current staff of RAs for welcoming me into this position and for being so understanding as I get my bearings. You're all fantastic people and I'm so happy to be working with you. I can't wait to see what next semester holds for our staff.

Thank you to my staff at UGA this last summer. You're all amazing and I'm so glad I met you. We had a crazy summer that I never would've survived alone. Thanks for being so patient with me as I learned how to navigate my position. You all taught me so much and I continue to use what I've learned in my new role.

Thank you to my parents for always supporting me and my decisions. Thank you for all of the opportunities you have given me and for giving me experiences to learn and grow from. I love you both so much and I really do appreciate everything you've done for Jordan and I all these years.

Thank you to my not-so-little brother, Jordan, for accepting me in my craziest moments and for not getting too embarrassed by me in public. Thank you for always humoring me by taking pictures with me. You know how much that means to me.

I've realized lately that I have a lot to be thankful for even though things seem to constantly be falling apart. Instead of dwelling on the bad, I'm going to continue focusing on the good, starting with this:

I'll be returning to the University of Georgia as the Residence Life Coordinator for Duke TIP's Summer Studies Program and I couldn't be more excited for this opportunity.

Here's to hoping for more good news in the coming weeks regarding grad school!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here
so that's something to smile about!

Sunday, November 22, 2015

My Name's Blurryface ...

... and I care what you think.

I've always tried to convince myself that I didn't care what people thought about me. The older I get, the more I realize how much I care.

Towards the end of this past week, I had to put my foot down about a few things and it resulted in a slight uproar. As this was happening, it dawned on me that I really cared about people view me. I was afraid that my decisions were going to impact the relationships I had built thus far and that they were going to like me less. And that's how it felt. For a moment, I was really worried that people were all going to hate me and stop talking to me the way they had been. I'd worked so hard to develop individual relationships that I was concerned if I put my foot down too hard, they'd crumble.
After some deliberation, I found a happy medium to stand my ground, but also appease others.

As I was writing this out, I had a flashback to something an ex had said to me a few years ago. We were at Arcadia and as we were leaving one of the buildings, I held the door open for a bunch of people, even though they were really far away. They were elderly people so I was trying to be nice, but my ex had said that I did it because I was afraid of what they would think about me if I didn't hold the door. At the time, I tried to convince this person that I wasn't afraid of what they'd think and that I was just trying to be a decent person. The more I think about this instance, the more it rings true: I do care what people think. Most of the time, I just want people to see that I am a decent person, but to whose gain? What does it really matter what people think about me? I know that I'm a good person so why should I care what everyone else thinks? I guess that's a side effect of being human.

I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think






Monday, November 16, 2015

Elephants can't jump

Life is weird. I'm at the point in my life where half of my friends are engaged, getting married, and having kids while the other half can't find their keys when they are drunk. It's a very weird place to be.

I've always been known to date people. Whether it's a serious relationship (some lasting up to four years) or casual dating, I'm used to sharing my time with someone else. After coming out of a serious relationship with someone I thought I was going to marry, I decided to do what any logical person would do: sleep around. I'd never had the opportunity to do it before so I figured why the hell not?

It was definitely a great year that turned into two years, but it has seem to lose its appeal. I've been dating people off and on for the last year or so and am trying hard not to just sleep around anymore. (Not because I don't enjoy it, but because I'm longing for a deeper connection, ya know?) 

As a twenty-something living in 2015, it's not uncommon to sleep around and date a ton of people. Many people in my generation seem to have given up on the whole relationship aspect of life and have moved into the hookup scene. There's nothing wrong with this, but I don't think this is solely what I want any more.

I've spent the last two (+) years finding myself and figuring out who I am as my own person. It's been a rough road, but I'm finally starting to understand what I want in life (and a partner too, if that's in the cards). I'm realizing I shouldn't (and don't need to) rely on someone else for my happiness. My friends might be in committed relationships, but that doesn't mean I have to be. At this point in my life, there's nothing I should be doing. There's no right place to be and I need to stop comparing myself to others (in all aspects) because all that does is drive me crazy.

For a long time, I would constantly compare myself to other people my age and if I wasn't where they were, I thought I was doing something wrong. But honestly, who the fuck cares? Everyone is different and no one's journey is going to look exactly the same. So what if my friends are getting married and having kids right now? That's not where I am and that's okay. 

Someone once told me that "you can't compare the start of your journey to another person's middle" so I challenge you all to think differently and stop stressing about where you are at in comparison to others. Just do your own thing and enjoy the ride. Things will all work out in the end, right?

Sunday, November 15, 2015

;

It's no secret that I've been having a rough go of it as of late. Luckily, I've been working hard to pull myself out of this rut.

On Friday the 13th, I decided to get tattooed. I spoke with my awesome artist and she came up with a sweet cat design for me. Once I was in the shop, I thought about a second tattoo I've been wanting for a while. I casually asked my artist if she'd be able to do a small semicolon on my left wrist the next time I came into the shop and she said she could just do it right then and there.

The idea behind the tattoo is that in literature, a semicolon is used when an author chooses to not end a sentence. I am the author and the sentence is my life and I am choosing to continue. This little tattoo will serve as a reminder that even though the going may get tough, I have to choose to continue.


When I woke up on Saturday, I was still in a weird mood, but decided not to sleep my entire day away. I spent the afternoon at a pet store with my close friend who was (and still is) looking for a puppy. After I left her house, I decided I didn't feel like going back to my apartment so I stopped at my parents house. I managed to guilt trip my brother into spending some quality time together by purchasing two tickets to see Spectre, the new 007 movie.

(I promise this next part is relevant, so bear with me.) My brother is super into conspiracy theories and even calls himself a "truther" because he looks into everything the government says. Apparently the information he finds is out there for anyone to look at, but most people choose not to seek it out. He follows something called Infowars and this is where he gets all of his information. Anyway, some of the things he has been talking about for months was talked about in Spectre. He was freaking out throughout the entire movie. Without providing too many spoilers, basically the government was releasing a new world order that was able to track everything that everyone was doing and had one centralized system to "keep everyone safe". This is something my brother has been talking our ears off about for months so it was weird that it was happening in a movie. (If you ever want to talk more in depth about this stuff, I can definitely put you into contact with my wonderfully crazy little brother. He will gladly talk your ear off about this...)

Seeing Spectre with my brother was a great choice. The movie was awesome, but it was also nice to bond (see what I did there?). It's been quite some time since my brother and I just talked and acted stupid together. I didn't realize it before, but I really miss seeing him every day. 

I finished off a good weekend today with a staff bonding day. We went downtown for a few hours to do a scavenger hunt that I designed. There were four separate teams made up of an RA from every hall, intentionally done so the RAs would have to interact with different people they don't talk to everyday. Despite some grumbling, everyone seemed to have a good time. We ended the day with a staff dinner in the lounge with some throwback music provided by one of the RAs. Overall, I'd say today was a success.


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Though the going has been a bit tough lately, I think I'm going to do just fine moving forward. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is a bit dim. Thanks to everyone who has been reaching out/dealing with me these last few weeks. I love you all <3

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Numb

Ever have one of those days where you're just kind of going through the motions, but feel like you're not really there? Well, that's how I've been feeling for the last few weeks. I've been doing a good job of hiding it, but it's slowly getting worse. I'm at the point where I'm exhausted all of the time, no matter how much or how little I sleep, and I have zero motivation to do anything. (This is an awful feeling, in case you were wondering)

I'm in this weird place where I'm feeling kind of numb to everything. I'm here and am listening, but I'm not really taking in everything the way I used to. I don't really know how to describe this feeling, but just know it is not a fun thing to be dealing with. 

Despite my lack of motivation, I still get out of bed every morning and go to work with a fake smile plastered on my face. As badly as I want to stay in bed all day long and ignore the world, I force myself to get up. This is a win for me. In the past, I'd search for every reason not to get up and continue on with my day. I'd stay in my room all day and would hide away from everyone. While that was one way to handle it, I've learned that's probably not the best way.

Depression manifests itself in many ways. Sometimes I feel physically exhausted, other times I am incredibly moody and push everyone away. As previously mentioned, I'm in the physically exhausted stage right now, but I am trying to make sure I don't push everyone away, which is why I am forcing myself to write this.

I apologize for the short, half-assed post, but I needed to write this down.

Here's to hoping I can pull myself out of this rut... soon.






Tuesday, November 3, 2015

See You Again

Have you ever seen a dead person with your own eyes? When they are all done up for the viewing, they look fake.  Sometimes they don't look like who you remember them as they once were. Their waxy, cold figure just doesn't feel the same.

It's so hard to comprehend that someone can actually be gone forever. I'm finding it incredibly hard to wrap my head around all of this still, even after seeing the strange version of the friend I once knew. 

All the childhood memories flooded back as soon as we pulled up to the funeral home. I saw old friends, some who I haven't seen in years, and was immediately taken back to the carefree times that seem so far away now. I couldn't hold back the tears once I saw my friends. I just couldn't believe this had happened. 

Since hearing the news, all I kept thinking was this has to be some sort of sick nightmare, but alas, it was the harsh reality that I continue to refuse to accept. 

I've cried a lot over the last two weeks. Between the rapid death of my cat and the untimely death of an old friend, I've been a bit of a wreck. Even though it's been rough, I've had a lot of time to reflect on life. From this reflection, I've decided to reach out to people more often. I want people to know that I love and care about them because too often our time is cut short and we regret the things we never said. I don't want to feel as though there were a million things I wish I had said to someone. Instead, I plan to let people know how I feel. People deserve to know they are loved and cared for.

Life is fleeting. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Tell people you love and care about them weekly (daily if you're lucky enough). Take care of yourself. Do what you love and what makes you happy. Life is too short to be miserable. Be happy as often as you can and try to look on the bright side. 

To all of my readers, know that I love and care for you. Feel free to drop a line, even if just to say hello. 


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All of this has really sucked, but I know that one day I will see you again. RIP Andrew. Love and miss you, always <3

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

A Loss for Words

As I sat in a professional development seminar today, I received a phone call from my mother. I clicked 'decline' and sent her a message to remind her I was in meetings all day. Her response was an abnormal "Please call me as soon as you can." My heart sank. What was going on? She even left a voicemail, but I couldn't listen to it. I assumed something was happening with our two sickly cats so I hopped onto Facebook for some answers. And then I saw it.

Memorials posts all over my newsfeed:
"RIP to my best friend."
"I can't believe you're gone."
"Love and miss you,  bro."


I couldn't process it. I immediately texted my mother back and said "Oh my god. Andrew died..." My eyes filled with tears. Keep it together for ten more minutes, I told myself. I don't know how, but I did.

I ran out of the session and called my mother in the lobby of the conference center. "Please tell me this is a sick joke." "No, honey, Andrew passed away. He was hit by a car..." I almost dropped the phone. Andrew was the son of one of my mom's best friends. I grew up with him. He was a few years older, but he was always around for as long as I can remember. 

It's so hard to process something like this when you just spoke with the person so recently. My brain doesn't want to believe this actually happened. I keep thinking back to all of the Christmas Eve parties where we spent time together and how great it was to do that. I really wish we had been closer in our adult lives, but it was always so nice when we were able to catch up and see how everything was going.

In life, you never know what is going to happen. Our lives could end in the matter of seconds from a careless driver. You could have ambitions, dreams, a whole life ahead of you, but death can still rear its ugly head. Unfortunately, that's what happened here.

It is with heavy heart that I say goodbye to someone who was practically family. My thoughts are with my Aunt and Uncle as they handle this tragedy.

RIP Andrew. Gone, but never forgotten. <3

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Hazy Days

For the last five days, I've been stuck in a haze. The days have pretty much blurred together and I am having troubles differentiating which is which. I go through phases where this happens and it is usually triggered by something. This rings true for this bout of haziness.

Last Wednesday night, my mother called to inform me that one of our cats was hyperventilating. I was confused and decided to go to their house to check on the situation. After arriving there, I saw how weird the cat's breathing was and made the executive decision to take him to the vet.

Once my father and I arrived at the vet with our cat, he was open mouth breathing... a terrible sign. The nurses took him back immediately to get him on oxygen and before I knew it, I was being told that it would be in our best interest to put the cat down.

Our cat, just about four years old, was dying. I wasn't ready for this. I had started to prepare myself for my other two cats who are older and sickly, but I was blindsided by this. Buru, the baby of the house, was dying and there was nothing we could do about it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't stop crying. I had no idea that I would be so upset about losing our cat, the asshole of the house, but at that point all the bad memories were wiped away. All I could think about were the good times and how much of a part of the family he had become over the last few years. This great big goofball of a cat had stolen a piece of my heart and I won't ever be getting it back.


The days thereafter were rough. I cried, a lot, and as I said before, I've had trouble remembering what happened which day. I've tried to refocus, but it's been tough.

This entire weekend, Thursday-Monday morning, was spent on duty, which made it even harder. I couldn't even drink my sadness away. Between movies, incidents, and even an early morning trip to Rowan University, I've been trying hard to keep busy.

Some awesome RAs and I at Rowan

For the remainder of this week, I get to embark on a professional development journey at Penn State Main Campus. I've never been there before so it should be great. I'm incredibly excited for this adventure and hope that it will keep my mind away from the sadness I've been dealing with for the last week.





Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Fun Fact: All porcupines float in water

This post has been edited in an effort to not piss off some people. Sorry if anyone's feelings were hurt.

Today was the first time in a while that a room full of students were incredibly unhappy with me.

As much as it sucks to have to be the adult in the situation, it has to be done. It's hard being so close in age with them, but I'm slowly starting to grasp this new role.  At the end of the day, my staff doesn't have to view me as a friend, but as a supervisor.*

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After I started this post, I stopped by my parents' house to help out with a few things. My original ending to this was "it's been a hectic and draining week, even though it's only Tuesday, but things can only go up from here, right?" Unfortunately, things went from bad to worse. (I have a habit of speaking prematurely and then having to backtrack...) 

When I went home, my parents informed me that not one, but two of our cats are really sick. One of them hasn't been eating and is basically wasting away while the other is relieving itself wherever it can (something that happened with my old dog right before she was put down). I guess I always knew this would happen, but I had always assumed it would be much later. I mean, I've had these two particular cats for quite a few years (between 8 and 12 years), but I honestly never thought this day would actually come.
The day hasn't officially arrived yet, but it will be happening in the near future. As much as it sucks for them to have to be put down, at least they won't be suffering any more. I just wish I could spend more time with them before it happens, but most likely that will not be the case.
I wish I had something witty or inspirational to leave you with, but unfortunately I'm too bummed out to think of something. Instead, I will just bid you adieu. 


*If it wasn't for my summer position at TIP, I wouldn't have learned to focus less on friendships and more on the supervisor role.  The experience I gained over the summer has helped me immensely and I can't thank the program enough for all they've done for me. It's not easy, but I'll get to where I need to be soon enough.

Monday, October 19, 2015

The Monsters Turned Out to be Just Trees

... or actors in this case.

Over the weekend, I conquered a fear. Okay, well maybe not conquer, but I definitely faced a few head on by going to a haunted house.

If you know me well, you know that Halloween is my favorite holiday. You also know that even though I like scary movies and this time of year, I am terrified of haunted houses and the things inside them. I am also absolutely terrified of clowns. It's almost a crippling fear and most haunted houses have clowns in them because who isn't afraid of a psycho clown?

I began to panic in line, to the point where I almost decided it wasn't worth it to stay, but after a pep talk from a friend, I managed to make my way inside.

There were five of us who went in together. We formed a single file line for the most part and I clutched onto my friend's coat and kept my head down. Aside from a few profanities when people jumped out at me, I managed to make it through the first part of the haunted house.

When we arrived at the second part, we discovered only four of us could go in at a time. One of our friends decided to try to sweet talk a woman with a cage on her head and she decided to push him forward to go through the four person part alone. Poor guy. Once the rest of us were allowed through, we were greeted by a ton of creepy people asking us what happened to our friend Andy. One of the people cut in front of me and completely blocked my way. He kept saying he wanted me to break and that he was going to make me cry. To say I was terrified would be an understatement, but I managed to remain calm (on the outside) and eventually made it by him.

After what felt like an hour, we were nearing the end. I began to think to myself "wow, this really wasn't that bad" until we walked into a fucking circus. (What haunted house is complete without a circus?) And where there is a circus, there are creepy ass clowns.

I thought I was going to cry. I started to hyperventilate, but started to calm myself down once I realized the evil clowns would love to see me freak out. I knew the second I showed weakness, they'd spring on me and I'd never see my friends again. (Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but people in haunted houses prey on the weak and I did not want to get stuck in a room with my biggest fear.)

When I finally escaped the haunted house, we realized that our friend Andy still wasn't with us. Of course he would be the one to get lost or held up in a haunted house... Luckily, he was only a few paces ahead of us and we were finally reunited. He said being separated from us kind of made his night. Better him than me. I would've sprinted through the rest of the haunted house if I had to do it alone (and I don't sprint anywhere)

Any way, what I got out of this evening in hell was that 1) I can make it through terrifying situations as long as I am confident I can do it and 2) some things that I am scared of are things that aren't actually real. Haunted houses are full of actors who are just people. Clowns are creepy as hell, but honestly, what has a clown ever done to me? At the end of the day, I can make it through this kind of stuff because it is just pretend.
 

Sometimes in life, you will have to face your fears. Be it moving away and starting over, addressing a large group of people in a meeting, or going through a haunted house without crying, doing something that scares you can help you realize some things aren't actually that scary after all.

I was scared before everyone else

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

So Take the Photographs and Still Frames in Your Mind

Recently, my time hop and Facebook memories have been taking me back to places I've hidden away deep inside my mind. These places are bringing back feelings that I thought I'd long forgotten, but apparently I was mistaken.

I am the first to admit I have a ton of feelings. I fall in love very easily and with the simplest of things. I try to always look for the good, no matter how bad the situation is, to keep my head above water. Any negative feelings or sadness I feel, I try to hide away in hopes I won't feel the pain any more.

When I was younger, I did some things I am not proud of in hopes to drown my sorrows. It's been a few years since I've gone down that road, but it's an ongoing process to get to where I want to be. I'm not saying that these memories that have resurfaced are going to take me down that road again, but they have me thinking about a lot of "what ifs".

For example, six years ago I was falling in love for the first time. I held this person's hand for the first time and thought I was going to be with them forever. Three years ago I had my entire future planned out: graduate college, move to New York, get married to the "love of my life", and live "happily ever after". Two years ago, I was starting over after basically getting "divorced" from the person I thought I was going to marry. Would that be my plan now had the break up never happened?

I could spend a lifetime thinking about all of the "what ifs" in my life, but is that really going to get me anywhere? The reality of all of this is that things change, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I've tried to run from the past and ignore the feelings the memories stirred up, but honestly, these things made me who I am today. The memories, good and bad, are part of who I am. As much as it hurts to look back at some of the things on social media, at that point in my life, those things were what I wanted and were what made me happy. At the end of the day, I guess I'm thankful for the pictures, the cringe-worthy status updates, and wall posts that can remind me of how far I have come. 


Sunday, October 11, 2015

(I Get By) With a Little Help from My Friends

Getting dumped was shitty, but it couldn't have happened at a more convenient time.

This weekend was Alumni weekend at Arcadia so I had planned to catch up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. On Thursday night, I went to my favorite bar, the Keswick Tavern, with two great friends. They weren't going to be in the area for the festivities on Saturday so it was our only chance to catch up. Spending time with them helped me to forget how crappy I felt from getting dumped earlier that day.

On Friday night, three of my best friends all came together for a girls' night out in Manayunk. We started out at Kildare's and made our way to Mad River for the end of our night. An open bar was just the thing I needed that night, along with some dancing.

On Saturday, one of my best friends and I headed to Arcadia for Fall Fest. Basically, it was an excuse to get free food and see some old friends. We wound up taking "professional selfies" as well as taking all of the stereotypical castle pictures that we never took when we were students. (How I avoided taking pictures at the castle during my time as a student, I will never know...) It was definitely a good time, but we decided that the fun wasn't going to end there.

We headed into Keswick, inevitably ending up at KT again, where we laughed harder than we had in months. It was fantastic and definitely helped to keep me in good spirits.

That night, a few of us went out in Manayunk again, but this time we started and stayed at Mad River. The DJ was pretty great and had us dancing almost all night.



Sometimes all you need to get you through a tough time are great friends and a night (or two) out.
Thanks to everyone who helped me to feel better and (temporarily) forget about my current situation. I couldn't ask for a better group of friends to help me through my tough times. <3




Thursday, October 8, 2015

All Good Things Come to an End

Drowning your sorrows in wine and binge watching TV shows on Netflix isn't usually the best way to handle things, but sometimes it helps mask the pain, even if it is just temporary.

For the last week, I knew the end was near. We barely talked anymore and when we did our conversations no longer had any depth. I could feel it coming, but I didn't want to believe it, until last night.

Do you ever just get a feeling that something is going to happen? Well, last night it hit me that this wasn't going to work anymore. How can you fix something that isn't really even there? I decided to hide my feelings behind wine and Arrow until I was too tired to think about anything.

As shitty as it is, I expressed my feelings about our "relationship" (or lack there of)  in a long Facebook message since that is pretty much the only way I can get in touch with him. He responded fairly soon after, agreeing that it didn't feel the same between us as it did when we first started dating. We were drifting apart and there is no way to bring us back together when there is an ocean between us (both literally and figuratively). I asked him what he wanted to do about this and he hesitantly responded, "end it".

I said before that I saw it coming, but it still sucks to actually hear it. Until you say the words "it's over" you can pretend that things are still okay and that it will get better. (Spoiler alert: pretending only gets you so far.)

I know this is all probably for the best, though. Everything happens for a reason and even though the reason isn't super apparent right now, I'm sure it will become clear soon enough.

Sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can come together. So, here's to better things!

Monday, October 5, 2015

It's the End of the World as We Know It

And I feel fine... well, sort of...

What would you do if you knew it was your last day on earth? Spend all of your money? Travel somewhere? Spend time with those you love? If you truly knew that there was no tomorrow, what would you do?

I was thinking about this a lot because of a threat that was posted about a college in the Philadelphia area. I try not to live my life in fear, but this was one of those times where I was actually nervous that something could happen. No schools were specifically targeted in the threat, but it was enough to freak everyone out on campus. Philly cops were all over campus and I'm pretty sure I saw a SWAT truck at one point. I was glad that they were taking precautions, but everything just felt weird.
 
When I originally heard about the threat, everyone (and I mean everyone) was freaking out. My dad called me to tell me to be safe, friends and other family members were texting me throughout the day, and my staff kept looking to me for answers.  There wasn't much I could do or say other than the "university is taking the precautions they see fit and we will figure it out from there."

At the end of the day, everyone felt much better. Nothing had happened, as far as we know, and we were all safe and sound on our little campus. (And for that, I am quite thankful.)
 

Even though everything turned out all right, I still spent some time today thinking about the "what ifs". What if today had been my last day here? Have I done everything I've wanted to do thus far? Am I happy with where my life is at? 

Honestly, if today had been my last day, I would feel okay about it. My life hasn't been perfect thus far, but I wouldn't change anything about it. Every little thing I have done, every thing that has happened to me (good and bad), all the chaos that I thought would never end, led me to where I am now. As much as I've complained in the past, I am so thankful for the broken road that I've been going down to get to where I am today.

So I leave you with this: live every day as though it could be your last. (Cliche, I know.) Don't hold grudges, love one another, and do what makes you happy. Make sure you live each day to the fullest because as shitty and depressing as this sounds, tomorrow isn't guaranteed to anyone.


Friday, October 2, 2015

Keep Moving Forward

This last week has been rough to say the least.

Not being in constant contact with my boyfriend has been hard, but at the same time, it's been incredibly easy.
I've been so mad that the trust we had worked towards no longer existed that I haven't wanted to talk to him, but at the same time, he's the only person I want to call.

I hate how much I care about things. I hate how my feelings overpower everything and I can't control it. I just want things to go back to the way they were, but I know they never will and I hate him for that. And I hate myself for it too. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate him. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. (Thank you, 10 Things I Hate About You.)

In all honesty, this last week has been hell. I'm not entirely sure this aspect is going to get much better, either, which is the scary part.

He left for Germany on Wednesday and we had a brief conversation before he had to go through security. There were a thousand things I wanted to say, but I just couldn't find the words. I've been replaying our conversations in my head and this entire time, I've really been thinking is this worth it? 

I've spent most of my life justifying things by saying "Everything happens for a reason" and you know what? I honestly believe it. If my original plan to move down South hadn't fallen through, I never would've started working in a position that I can honestly say I love. If my boyfriend and I hadn't fought and had such a shitty go of it, I probably wouldn't have realized how much I do in fact care about him and how much I do miss him. It's also made me realize how freaking hard it is to be in a long distance relationship, which I anticipated going into this, but still.

As I sit here and reflect on all of this, I just keeping hoping for the best. All I can do is keep moving forward and whatever happens, happens.




Sunday, September 27, 2015

What No One Tells You About Living Alone

This weekend was my first weekend on duty. I was shadowing another staff member, but it made the most sense for me to hold onto the phone and keys to get accustomed to being on duty. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I assumed that Pope weekend was going to be insane because students were trapped on campus, but the reality was that everyone (including many of my RAs) took advantage of this long weekend by going home. We had a few situations that I had to attend to, but for the most part it was quiet (for now...).

This entire weekend, I pretty much stayed in my apartment. During the day I was technically allowed to leave campus (no more than a fifteen minute radius away from campus), but I decided to just stick around and watch Netflix instead.

Staying inside all weekend had some perks. I was able to watch Netflix, do some yoga, catch up on emails, yadda yadda yadda, however, it did have a downside. I was truly alone with my thoughts.

I spent the weekend alone, aside from my encounters with staff members, and realized how much it sucks. Yes, there are some perks to living alone such as walking around naked or leaving dirty dishes in the sink, but it gets lonely.

I realized that even though I've technically lived alone before, I was never truly on my own. I always had my residents around to keep me company or my best friends right across campus. It was so great to have the ability to be around so many people, but at the end of the day I could close my door and keep to myself. Here that's not the case. Sure I could keep my apartment door open and engage in conversations with the students, but it's not the same.

Here I feel like the person who still hangs around college campuses to feel young and relive my glory days (which weren't too long ago, but still...). I'm at that age where I can relate to the students, but at the same time, we are light years away from one another.

I've come to the conclusion that being alone with yourself all the time sucks, but that's a big part of growing up.  I think this is going to be the year that I focus on becoming my best self and really working hard at that. I'll be (hopefully) starting grad school in January, so that will take up my abundance of free time, and I can spend the rest of my time doing the things I want to do. Maybe I'll start sketching again, who knows? All I know is that it's going to be a long, lonely, sad year if I don't find something productive to do with my some of my spare time.

So here's to a year of becoming my best 'me'.

Besides, if I don't like spending time with myself, who will?

Bonus: I visited my mural that I installed in January.
Check it out at the East Falls Station! =D

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Oh, so you're a freshman...

College kids say the darndest things. Every day I am assumed to be an undergrad on this campus. Earlier this week, I was mistaken for a freshman and today I was mistaken for a senior. My laid back demeanor, Marvel backpack, and "regular" clothes probably don't help my cause. (By the way, Everyone here freaking loves my backpack. It's pretty sweet.) Yesterday, I went around to different hall meetings in my building to introduce myself to the students. I told them when my office hours are and where they can find me. One of my staff members looked at me and asked if I was trying to "relate to the kiddos" because I showed up in my incredible hulk t-shirt. I didn't do it on purpose, but it worked and some students struck up a conversation with me about Marvel after seeing it. (Jokes on you, staff member. I am relatable. =P) This evening while I was in my apartment, I heard this annoying chirping. I opened my door and found out I wasn't crazy. I was hearing a cricket (from god knows where) and the sound was echoing in the lobby. Two students saw me leave my apartment and asked me twenty one questions. (Clearly they missed their hall meetings yesterday...) They were so intrigued that I lived in an apartment and wanted to know how long I was an RA. I tried to explain that I am an RC, which means I oversee the RAs and the building, but they did not understand. "So, how long have you been an RA?" "Uh, I was an RA for three years at my previous institution and now I'm an RC here." "You were an RA as a freshman?" "No, I started my sophomore year like most others." "Oh, so you're a fifth year?" "No, I have a bachelor's degree..." "Oh... weird. You look so young." And that my friends is how most of my interactions at PhilaU play out.

 •               •                •                •


Today one of my supervisors said he asked his students what a PhilaU party looks like. They responded with "a Temple party or sometimes a Drexel party." I couldn't help but to think back to my time at Arcadia where anyone who ever wanted to party either went to Towers or Temple. Small institutions have many things in common, including where their students go to parties, apparently.

I've found myself making comparisons to Arcadia so often because that's all that I know. It's hard for me to remember that this is not Arcadia, no matter how similar it feels. This is PhilaU and things are different yet the same. Protocols are similar, but also very different. I keep catching myself saying "see at Arcadia we did x y and z" and that is something I want to stop.

I cherished my time at Arcadia, but now I am moving on to bigger and better things, which I honestly would not be doing without my experiences I had there. It's a bittersweet time that I am living in now: nostalgic for my college days yet dreaming of my future in residence life. It is weird to think that I've been out of college for over a year now and I've finally figured out what I want to do I've figured out the path I want to take. Undergrad was great (I truly loved being an art major), but here's to the future and (hopefully) grad school!


Q: Cool backpack, where'd ya get it?
A: WalMart


The good, the bad, and the ugly

Long distance is hard, and it is only going to get harder. Being in a relationship with someone you are not physically around sucks. With technology, it is easier, but at night when you just want to snuggle up next to your significant other and you can't, it is a really shitty feeling. When you're having a shitty day and all you want to do is be held, but your S.O. is miles away, there's nothing you can do. Having a support system of friends helps some, but for the most part it isn't the same.

I moved to a new town not too long ago and I love it. The one downside is not being as close to my friends as I once was. Again, this makes things difficult. All of my friends nearby are in relationships, which is great for them, but it sucks for me when I see them being all lovey dovey together and I'm just over here like "man this couch is comfortable" or "damn this whiskey sour is delicious" because my boyfriend is miles away.


*Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for him that he gets to have this experience, but at the end of the day, sometimes I get selfish and just want him to be here with me. (To be fair, even if he was not about to study abroad in Germany for the next 10+ months, I would want him here.)*

The other night when we were talking about our relationship, we agreed on something that others may frown upon, but honestly, I don't really care what you think. Anyway, we decided that we would be in an open relationship mainly because we are human and have needs. As a person who was previously very committed (for almost four years of my life) then not so committed (for the last two years), I wholeheartedly agreed with this decision, but wanted to make sure we both were truly okay with it. After lots of tears and emotions, we decided that this was the best decision for us both because I said before, we are human.

Since deciding this, I downloaded the wonderful app called Tinder (again). My boyfriend jokingly made a comment about how he noticed my profile was active again. I wanted to laugh it off, but I kind of felt like he was checking up on me, which was something we decided we wouldn't really do. After I got over myself, it dawned on me that he would have to have Tinder on his phone to realize this so I asked how long he has had it. To my surprise, he's had it for two weeks, which doesn't correlate with the time frame of when we decided about our open relationship.(He hasn't been using it other than for boredom, but I'm still not a happy camper about it...) The bottom line is that I have been really pissed off for the last twelve hours or so which resulted in the shittiest night's sleep I've had since I've moved and now I'm a giant exhausted mess as I try to go throughout my day.

Okay, so now that I've vented about all of this, I want to tell you why I am being so open about everything.

Often times I keep to myself and don't really share information other than the successes and exciting things in my life. Why should that be a thing? I should be able to share the good, the bad, the ugly, ya know? I feel as though people use social media to just brag about the great things in their lives (myself included), but are often hesitant to share the journey that led them there, no matter how shitty it may have been. I think it is important to remember that not all days are great and that everyone is dealing with a ton of stuff that you may not see. I'm here to share the good and the bad, even if just for me to express myself and stay sane.

If you've made it this far through my rambling, I thank you. Have a great (or shitty) day and feel free to tell me all about it. <3


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

In My Head

Sometimes I get really stuck in my head and I have a really hard time explaining myself.
This is probably the result of the battle I can never win that has been called bi-polar disorder by my doctors.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with this, bi-polar disorder has two types: I and II. With type I, many people experience horrible hallucinations. With type II, many people are on a constant roller coaster of emotions.  

(Everyone who has bpdii experiences it in different ways so what I am saying applies specifically to me. Please keep that in mind as you continue reading. Also, sorry mom for what you are about to read.)  

When it's going good, it's great and when it's bad, it's awful. Actually, it is worse than awful. Sometimes I want to die. I've honestly thought about a thousand ways to end my life, but I've never gone through with it because someone once told me that "suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do" and I never wanted to put anyone (namely family and friends) through that. I know that that sounds kind of silly, but that one sentence really struck a chord with me years ago and that is what has kept me going every time I wanted to "take the easy way out."

Tonight I was talking to my boyfriend about a variety of things. We were discussing our relationship and how it is going to change while he is abroad. He commented on how lively I looked after our discussion and how nice it was to finally have me back to the way I normally am. This is what prompted me to finally explain to him what it is like for me on a daily basis.

I told him everything I mentioned above, and then some, and it helped him to finally understand that it isn't him, it's me. (Cliche, I know.) Any time I am short with him (or anyone for that matter) or don't respond, it's not because I don't want to talk to him. Instead, it's because I can't. I get so stuck in my head, thinking about a million and one things, wondering what life will throw my way next, that I can't respond. Sometimes I just need time to not talk to people and that is hard for many people to understand. It's easier for me to respond with a short "yeah" instead of telling you exactly how I am feeling.

Maybe I am afraid of what people will think. Maybe I just suck at being open and honest. Who knows. All I know is that I don't want to be afraid of expressing myself anymore. Life is too short to care what other people will think. Mental illnesses should not be shoved under the rug or pushed aside.

I've spent most of my life thinking that having this laundry list of chemical imbalances and issues was the worst thing in the world. But guess what? It's not. These things make me who I am and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

Thanks, TWLOHA, for this.