Keep Moving Forward

This last week has been rough to say the least.

Not being in constant contact with my boyfriend has been hard, but at the same time, it's been incredibly easy.

I've been so mad that the trust we had worked towards no longer existed that I haven't wanted to talk to him, but at the same time, he's the only person I want to call.

I hate how much I care about things. I hate how my feelings overpower everything and I can't control it. I just want things to go back to the way they were, but I know they never will and I hate him for that. And I hate myself for it too. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate him. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. (Thank you, 10 Things I Hate About You.)

In all honesty, this last week has been hell. I'm not entirely sure this aspect is going to get much better, either, which is the scary part.

He left for Germany on Wednesday and we had a brief conversation before he had to go through security. There were a thousand things I wanted to say, but I just couldn't find the words. I've been replaying our conversations in my head and this entire time, I've really been thinking is this worth it? 

I've spent most of my life justifying things by saying "Everything happens for a reason" and you know what? I honestly believe it. If my original plan to move down South hadn't fallen through, I never would've started working in a position that I can honestly say I love. If my boyfriend and I hadn't fought and had such a shitty go of it, I probably wouldn't have realized how much I do in fact care about him and how much I do miss him. It's also made me realize how freaking hard it is to be in a long distance relationship, which I anticipated going into this, but still.

As I sit here and reflect on all of this, I just keeping hoping for the best. All I can do is keep moving forward and whatever happens, happens.