A Loss for Words

As I sat in a professional development seminar today, I received a phone call from my mother. I clicked 'decline' and sent her a message to remind her I was in meetings all day. Her response was an abnormal "Please call me as soon as you can." My heart sank. What was going on? She even left a voicemail, but I couldn't listen to it. I assumed something was happening with our two sickly cats so I hopped onto Facebook for some answers. And then I saw it.

Memorials posts all over my newsfeed:
"RIP to my best friend."
"I can't believe you're gone."
"Love and miss you,  bro."

I couldn't process it. I immediately texted my mother back and said "Oh my god. Andrew died..." My eyes filled with tears. Keep it together for ten more minutes, I told myself. I don't know how, but I did.

I ran out of the session and called my mother in the lobby of the conference center. "Please tell me this is a sick joke." "No, honey, Andrew passed away. He was hit by a car..." I almost dropped the phone. Andrew was the son of one of my mom's best friends. I grew up with him. He was a few years older, but he was always around for as long as I can remember. 

It's so hard to process something like this when you just spoke with the person so recently. My brain doesn't want to believe this actually happened. I keep thinking back to all of the Christmas Eve parties where we spent time together and how great it was to do that. I really wish we had been closer in our adult lives, but it was always so nice when we were able to catch up and see how everything was going.

In life, you never know what is going to happen. Our lives could end in the matter of seconds from a careless driver. You could have ambitions, dreams, a whole life ahead of you, but death can still rear its ugly head. Unfortunately, that's what happened here.

It is with heavy heart that I say goodbye to someone who was practically family. My thoughts are with my Aunt and Uncle as they handle this tragedy.

RIP Andrew. Gone, but never forgotten. <3

Hazy Days

For the last five days, I've been stuck in a haze. The days have pretty much blurred together and I am having troubles differentiating which is which. I go through phases where this happens and it is usually triggered by something. This rings true for this bout of haziness.

Last Wednesday night, my mother called to inform me that one of our cats was hyperventilating. I was confused and decided to go to their house to check on the situation. After arriving there, I saw how weird the cat's breathing was and made the executive decision to take him to the vet.

Once my father and I arrived at the vet with our cat, he was open mouth breathing... a terrible sign. The nurses took him back immediately to get him on oxygen and before I knew it, I was being told that it would be in our best interest to put the cat down.

Our cat, just about four years old, was dying. I wasn't ready for this. I had started to prepare myself for my other two cats who are older and sickly, but I was blindsided by this. Buru, the baby of the house, was dying and there was nothing we could do about it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't stop crying. I had no idea that I would be so upset about losing our cat, the asshole of the house, but at that point all the bad memories were wiped away. All I could think about were the good times and how much of a part of the family he had become over the last few years. This great big goofball of a cat had stolen a piece of my heart and I won't ever be getting it back.

The days thereafter were rough. I cried, a lot, and as I said before, I've had trouble remembering what happened which day. I've tried to refocus, but it's been tough.

This entire weekend, Thursday-Monday morning, was spent on duty, which made it even harder. I couldn't even drink my sadness away. Between movies, incidents, and even an early morning trip to Rowan University, I've been trying hard to keep busy.

Some awesome RAs and I at Rowan

For the remainder of this week, I get to embark on a professional development journey at Penn State Main Campus. I've never been there before so it should be great. I'm incredibly excited for this adventure and hope that it will keep my mind away from the sadness I've been dealing with for the last week.

Fun Fact: All porcupines float in water

This post has been edited in an effort to not piss off some people. Sorry if anyone's feelings were hurt.

Today was the first time in a while that a room full of students were incredibly unhappy with me.

As much as it sucks to have to be the adult in the situation, it has to be done. It's hard being so close in age with them, but I'm slowly starting to grasp this new role.  At the end of the day, my staff doesn't have to view me as a friend, but as a supervisor.*

*                   *                   *                   *

After I started this post, I stopped by my parents' house to help out with a few things. My original ending to this was "it's been a hectic and draining week, even though it's only Tuesday, but things can only go up from here, right?" Unfortunately, things went from bad to worse. (I have a habit of speaking prematurely and then having to backtrack...) 

When I went home, my parents informed me that not one, but two of our cats are really sick. One of them hasn't been eating and is basically wasting away while the other is relieving itself wherever it can (something that happened with my old dog right before she was put down). I guess I always knew this would happen, but I had always assumed it would be much later. I mean, I've had these two particular cats for quite a few years (between 8 and 12 years), but I honestly never thought this day would actually come. The day hasn't officially arrived yet, but it will be happening in the near future. As much as it sucks for them to have to be put down, at least they won't be suffering any more. I just wish I could spend more time with them before it happens, but most likely that will not be the case.

I wish I had something witty or inspirational to leave you with, but unfortunately I'm too bummed out to think of something. Instead, I will just bid you adieu. 

*If it wasn't for my summer position at TIP, I wouldn't have learned to focus less on friendships and more on the supervisor role.  The experience I gained over the summer has helped me immensely and I can't thank the program enough for all they've done for me. It's not easy, but I'll get to where I need to be soon enough.

The Monsters Turned Out to be Just Trees

... or actors in this case.

Over the weekend, I conquered a fear. Okay, well maybe not conquer, but I definitely faced a few head on by going to a haunted house.

If you know me well, you know that Halloween is my favorite holiday. You also know that even though I like scary movies and this time of year, I am terrified of haunted houses and the things inside them. I am also absolutely terrified of clowns. It's almost a crippling fear and most haunted houses have clowns in them because who isn't afraid of a psycho clown?

I began to panic in line, to the point where I almost decided it wasn't worth it to stay, but after a pep talk from a friend, I managed to make my way inside.

There were five of us who went in together. We formed a single file line for the most part and I clutched onto my friend's coat and kept my head down. Aside from a few profanities when people jumped out at me, I managed to make it through the first part of the haunted house.

When we arrived at the second part, we discovered only four of us could go in at a time. One of our friends decided to try to sweet talk a woman with a cage on her head and she decided to push him forward to go through the four person part alone. Poor guy. Once the rest of us were allowed through, we were greeted by a ton of creepy people asking us what happened to our friend Andy. One of the people cut in front of me and completely blocked my way. He kept saying he wanted me to break and that he was going to make me cry. To say I was terrified would be an understatement, but I managed to remain calm (on the outside) and eventually made it by him.

After what felt like an hour, we were nearing the end. I began to think to myself "wow, this really wasn't that bad" until we walked into a fucking circus. (What haunted house is complete without a circus?) And where there is a circus, there are creepy ass clowns.

I thought I was going to cry. I started to hyperventilate, but started to calm myself down once I realized the evil clowns would love to see me freak out. I knew the second I showed weakness, they'd spring on me and I'd never see my friends again. (Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but people in haunted houses prey on the weak and I did not want to get stuck in a room with my biggest fear.)

When I finally escaped the haunted house, we realized that our friend Andy still wasn't with us. Of course he would be the one to get lost or held up in a haunted house... Luckily, he was only a few paces ahead of us and we were finally reunited. He said being separated from us kind of made his night. Better him than me. I would've sprinted through the rest of the haunted house if I had to do it alone (and I don't sprint anywhere). 

Any way, what I got out of this evening in hell was that 1) I can make it through terrifying situations as long as I am confident I can do it and 2) some things that I am scared of are things that aren't actually real. Haunted houses are full of actors who are just people. Clowns are creepy as hell, but honestly, what has a clown ever done to me? At the end of the day, I can make it through this kind of stuff because it is just pretend.
 
Sometimes in life, you will have to face your fears. Be it moving away and starting over, addressing a large group of people in a meeting, or going through a haunted house without crying, doing something that scares you can help you realize some things aren't actually that scary after all.

I was scared before everyone else

So Take the Photographs and Still Frames in Your Mind

Recently, my time hop and Facebook memories have been taking me back to places I've hidden away deep inside my mind. These places are bringing back feelings that I thought I'd long forgotten, but apparently I was mistaken.

I am the first to admit I have a ton of feelings. I fall in love very easily and with the simplest of things. I try to always look for the good, no matter how bad the situation is, to keep my head above water. Any negative feelings or sadness I feel, I try to hide away in hopes I won't feel the pain any more.

When I was younger, I did some things I am not proud of in hopes to drown my sorrows. It's been a few years since I've gone down that road, but it's an ongoing process to get to where I want to be. I'm not saying that these memories that have resurfaced are going to take me down that road again, but they have me thinking about a lot of "what ifs".

For example, six years ago I was falling in love for the first time. I held this person's hand for the first time and thought I was going to be with them forever. Three years ago I had my entire future planned out: graduate college, move to New York, get married to the "love of my life", and live "happily ever after". Two years ago, I was starting over after basically getting "divorced" from the person I thought I was going to marry. Would that be my plan now had the break up never happened?

I could spend a lifetime thinking about all of the "what ifs" in my life, but is that really going to get me anywhere? The reality of all of this is that things change, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I've tried to run from the past and ignore the feelings the memories stirred up, but honestly, these things made me who I am today. The memories, good and bad, are part of who I am. As much as it hurts to look back at some of the things on social media, at that point in my life, those things were what I wanted and were what made me happy. At the end of the day, I guess I'm thankful for the pictures, the cringe-worthy status updates, and wall posts that can remind me of how far I have come. 

(I Get By) With a Little Help from My Friends

Getting dumped was shitty, but it couldn't have happened at a more convenient time.

This weekend was Alumni weekend at Arcadia so I had planned to catch up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. On Thursday night, I went to my favorite bar, the Keswick Tavern, with two great friends. They weren't going to be in the area for the festivities on Saturday so it was our only chance to catch up. Spending time with them helped me to forget how crappy I felt from getting dumped earlier that day.

On Friday night, three of my best friends all came together for a girls' night out in Manayunk. We started out at Kildare's and made our way to Mad River for the end of our night. An open bar was just the thing I needed that night, along with some dancing.

On Saturday, one of my best friends and I headed to Arcadia for Fall Fest. Basically, it was an excuse to get free food and see some old friends. We wound up taking "professional selfies" as well as taking all of the stereotypical castle pictures that we never took when we were students. (How I avoided taking pictures at the castle during my time as a student, I will never know...) It was definitely a good time, but we decided that the fun wasn't going to end there.

We headed into Keswick, inevitably ending up at KT again, where we laughed harder than we had in months. It was fantastic and definitely helped to keep me in good spirits.

That night, a few of us went out in Manayunk again, but this time we started and stayed at Mad River. The DJ was pretty great and had us dancing almost all night.


Sometimes all you need to get you through a tough time are great friends and a night (or two) out.
Thanks to everyone who helped me to feel better and (temporarily) forget about my current situation. I couldn't ask for a better group of friends to help me through my tough times. <3

All Good Things Come to an End

Drowning your sorrows in wine and binge watching TV shows on Netflix isn't usually the best way to handle things, but sometimes it helps mask the pain, even if it is just temporary.

For the last week, I knew the end was near. We barely talked anymore and when we did our conversations no longer had any depth. I could feel it coming, but I didn't want to believe it, until last night.

Do you ever just get a feeling that something is going to happen? Well, last night it hit me that this wasn't going to work anymore. How can you fix something that isn't really even there? I decided to hide my feelings behind wine and Arrow until I was too tired to think about anything.

As shitty as it is, I expressed my feelings about our "relationship" (or lack there of)  in a long Facebook message since that is pretty much the only way I can get in touch with him. He responded fairly soon after, agreeing that it didn't feel the same between us as it did when we first started dating. We were drifting apart and there is no way to bring us back together when there is an ocean between us (both literally and figuratively). I asked him what he wanted to do about this and he hesitantly responded, "end it".

I said before that I saw it coming, but it still sucks to actually hear it. Until you say the words "it's over" you can pretend that things are still okay and that it will get better. (Spoiler alert: pretending only gets you so far.)

I know this is all probably for the best, though. Everything happens for a reason and even though the reason isn't super apparent right now, I'm sure it will become clear soon enough.

Sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can come together. So, here's to better things!

It's the End of the World as We Know It

And I feel fine... well, sort of...

What would you do if you knew it was your last day on earth? Spend all of your money? Travel somewhere? Spend time with those you love? If you truly knew that there was no tomorrow, what would you do?

I was thinking about this a lot because of a threat that was posted about a college in the Philadelphia area. I try not to live my life in fear, but this was one of those times where I was actually nervous that something could happen. No schools were specifically targeted in the threat, but it was enough to freak everyone out on campus. Philly cops were all over campus and I'm pretty sure I saw a SWAT truck at one point. I was glad that they were taking precautions, but everything just felt weird.
 

When I originally heard about the threat, everyone (and I mean everyone) was freaking out. My dad called me to tell me to be safe, friends and other family members were texting me throughout the day, and my staff kept looking to me for answers.  There wasn't much I could do or say other than the "university is taking the precautions they see fit and we will figure it out from there."

At the end of the day, everyone felt much better. Nothing had happened, as far as we know, and we were all safe and sound on our little campus. (And for that, I am quite thankful.)
 
Even though everything turned out all right, I still spent some time today thinking about the "what ifs". What if today had been my last day here? Have I done everything I've wanted to do thus far? Am I happy with where my life is at? 

Honestly, if today had been my last day, I would feel okay about it. My life hasn't been perfect thus far, but I wouldn't change anything about it. Every little thing I have done, every thing that has happened to me (good and bad), all the chaos that I thought would never end, led me to where I am now. As much as I've complained in the past, I am so thankful for the broken road that I've been going down to get to where I am today.

So I leave you with this: live every day as though it could be your last. (Cliche, I know.) Don't hold grudges, love one another, and do what makes you happy. Make sure you live each day to the fullest because as shitty and depressing as this sounds, tomorrow isn't guaranteed to anyone.

Keep Moving Forward

This last week has been rough to say the least.

Not being in constant contact with my boyfriend has been hard, but at the same time, it's been incredibly easy.

I've been so mad that the trust we had worked towards no longer existed that I haven't wanted to talk to him, but at the same time, he's the only person I want to call.

I hate how much I care about things. I hate how my feelings overpower everything and I can't control it. I just want things to go back to the way they were, but I know they never will and I hate him for that. And I hate myself for it too. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate him. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. (Thank you, 10 Things I Hate About You.)

In all honesty, this last week has been hell. I'm not entirely sure this aspect is going to get much better, either, which is the scary part.

He left for Germany on Wednesday and we had a brief conversation before he had to go through security. There were a thousand things I wanted to say, but I just couldn't find the words. I've been replaying our conversations in my head and this entire time, I've really been thinking is this worth it? 

I've spent most of my life justifying things by saying "Everything happens for a reason" and you know what? I honestly believe it. If my original plan to move down South hadn't fallen through, I never would've started working in a position that I can honestly say I love. If my boyfriend and I hadn't fought and had such a shitty go of it, I probably wouldn't have realized how much I do in fact care about him and how much I do miss him. It's also made me realize how freaking hard it is to be in a long distance relationship, which I anticipated going into this, but still.

As I sit here and reflect on all of this, I just keeping hoping for the best. All I can do is keep moving forward and whatever happens, happens.