What No One Tells You About Living Alone

This weekend was my first weekend on duty. I was shadowing another staff member, but it made the most sense for me to hold onto the phone and keys to get accustomed to being on duty. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I assumed that Pope weekend was going to be insane because students were trapped on campus, but the reality was that everyone (including many of my RAs) took advantage of this long weekend by going home. We had a few situations that I had to attend to, but for the most part it was quiet (for now...).

This entire weekend, I pretty much stayed in my apartment. During the day I was technically allowed to leave campus (no more than a fifteen minute radius away from campus), but I decided to just stick around and watch Netflix instead.

Staying inside all weekend had some perks. I was able to watch Netflix, do some yoga, catch up on emails, yadda yadda yadda, however, it did have a downside. I was truly alone with my thoughts.

I spent the weekend alone, aside from my encounters with staff members, and realized how much it sucks. Yes, there are some perks to living alone such as walking around naked or leaving dirty dishes in the sink, but it gets lonely.

I realized that even though I've technically lived alone before, I was never truly on my own. I always had my residents around to keep me company or my best friends right across campus. It was so great to have the ability to be around so many people, but at the end of the day I could close my door and keep to myself. Here that's not the case. Sure I could keep my apartment door open and engage in conversations with the students, but it's not the same.

Here I feel like the person who still hangs around college campuses to feel young and relive my glory days (which weren't too long ago, but still...). I'm at that age where I can relate to the students, but at the same time, we are light years away from one another.

I've come to the conclusion that being alone with yourself all the time sucks, but that's a big part of growing up.  I think this is going to be the year that I focus on becoming my best self and really working hard at that. I'll be (hopefully) starting grad school in January, so that will take up my abundance of free time, and I can spend the rest of my time doing the things I want to do. Maybe I'll start sketching again, who knows? All I know is that it's going to be a long, lonely, sad year if I don't find something productive to do with my some of my spare time.

So here's to a year of becoming my best 'me'.

Besides, if I don't like spending time with myself, who will?

Bonus: I visited my mural that I installed in January.
Check it out at the East Falls Station! =D

Oh, so you're a freshman...

College kids say the darndest things. Every day I am assumed to be an undergrad on this campus. Earlier this week, I was mistaken for a freshman and today I was mistaken for a senior. My laid back demeanor, Marvel backpack, and "regular" clothes probably don't help my cause. (By the way, Everyone here freaking loves my backpack. It's pretty sweet.) Yesterday, I went around to different hall meetings in my building to introduce myself to the students. I told them when my office hours are and where they can find me. One of my staff members looked at me and asked if I was trying to "relate to the kiddos" because I showed up in my incredible hulk t-shirt. I didn't do it on purpose, but it worked and some students struck up a conversation with me about Marvel after seeing it. (Jokes on you, staff member. I am relatable. =P) This evening while I was in my apartment, I heard this annoying chirping. I opened my door and found out I wasn't crazy. I was hearing a cricket (from god knows where) and the sound was echoing in the lobby. Two students saw me leave my apartment and asked me twenty one questions. (Clearly they missed their hall meetings yesterday...) They were so intrigued that I lived in an apartment and wanted to know how long I was an RA. I tried to explain that I am an RC, which means I oversee the RAs and the building, but they did not understand. "So, how long have you been an RA?" "Uh, I was an RA for three years at my previous institution and now I'm an RC here." "You were an RA as a freshman?" "No, I started my sophomore year like most others." "Oh, so you're a fifth year?" "No, I have a bachelor's degree..." "Oh... weird. You look so young." And that my friends is how most of my interactions at PhilaU play out.

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Today one of my supervisors said he asked his students what a PhilaU party looks like. They responded with "a Temple party or sometimes a Drexel party." I couldn't help but to think back to my time at Arcadia where anyone who ever wanted to party either went to Towers or Temple. Small institutions have many things in common, including where their students go to parties, apparently.

I've found myself making comparisons to Arcadia so often because that's all that I know. It's hard for me to remember that this is not Arcadia, no matter how similar it feels. This is PhilaU and things are different yet the same. Protocols are similar, but also very different. I keep catching myself saying "see at Arcadia we did x y and z" and that is something I want to stop.

I cherished my time at Arcadia, but now I am moving on to bigger and better things, which I honestly would not be doing without my experiences I had there. It's a bittersweet time that I am living in now: nostalgic for my college days yet dreaming of my future in residence life. It is weird to think that I've been out of college for over a year now and I've finally figured out what I want to do I've figured out the path I want to take. Undergrad was great (I truly loved being an art major), but here's to the future and (hopefully) grad school!

Q: Cool backpack, where'd ya get it?
A: WalMart

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Long distance is hard, and it is only going to get harder. Being in a relationship with someone you are not physically around sucks. With technology, it is easier, but at night when you just want to snuggle up next to your significant other and you can't, it is a really shitty feeling. When you're having a shitty day and all you want to do is be held, but your S.O. is miles away, there's nothing you can do. Having a support system of friends helps some, but for the most part it isn't the same.

I moved to a new town not too long ago and I love it. The one downside is not being as close to my friends as I once was. Again, this makes things difficult. All of my friends nearby are in relationships, which is great for them, but it sucks for me when I see them being all lovey dovey together and I'm just over here like "man this couch is comfortable" or "damn this whiskey sour is delicious" because my boyfriend is miles away.

*Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for him that he gets to have this experience, but at the end of the day, sometimes I get selfish and just want him to be here with me. (To be fair, even if he was not about to study abroad in Germany for the next 10+ months, I would want him here.)*

The other night when we were talking about our relationship, we agreed on something that others may frown upon, but honestly, I don't really care what you think. Anyway, we decided that we would be in an open relationship mainly because we are human and have needs. As a person who was previously very committed (for almost four years of my life) then not so committed (for the last two years), I wholeheartedly agreed with this decision, but wanted to make sure we both were truly okay with it. After lots of tears and emotions, we decided that this was the best decision for us both because I said before, we are human.

Since deciding this, I downloaded the wonderful app called Tinder (again). My boyfriend jokingly made a comment about how he noticed my profile was active again. I wanted to laugh it off, but I kind of felt like he was checking up on me, which was something we decided we wouldn't really do. After I got over myself, it dawned on me that he would have to have Tinder on his phone to realize this so I asked how long he has had it. To my surprise, he's had it for two weeks, which doesn't correlate with the time frame of when we decided about our open relationship.(He hasn't been using it other than for boredom, but I'm still not a happy camper about it...) The bottom line is that I have been really pissed off for the last twelve hours or so which resulted in the shittiest night's sleep I've had since I've moved and now I'm a giant exhausted mess as I try to go throughout my day.

Okay, so now that I've vented about all of this, I want to tell you why I am being so open about everything.

Often times I keep to myself and don't really share information other than the successes and exciting things in my life. Why should that be a thing? I should be able to share the good, the bad, the ugly, ya know? I feel as though people use social media to just brag about the great things in their lives (myself included), but are often hesitant to share the journey that led them there, no matter how shitty it may have been. I think it is important to remember that not all days are great and that everyone is dealing with a ton of stuff that you may not see. I'm here to share the good and the bad, even if just for me to express myself and stay sane.

If you've made it this far through my rambling, I thank you. Have a great (or shitty) day and feel free to tell me all about it. <3

In My Head

Sometimes I get really stuck in my head and I have a really hard time explaining myself.
This is probably the result of the battle I can never win that has been called bi-polar disorder by my doctors.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with this, bi-polar disorder has two types: I and II. With type I, many people experience horrible hallucinations. With type II, many people are on a constant roller coaster of emotions.  

(Everyone who has bpdii experiences it in different ways so what I am saying applies specifically to me. Please keep that in mind as you continue reading. Also, sorry mom for what you are about to read.)  

When it's going good, it's great and when it's bad, it's awful. Actually, it is worse than awful. Sometimes I want to die. I've honestly thought about a thousand ways to end my life, but I've never gone through with it because someone once told me that "suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do" and I never wanted to put anyone (namely family and friends) through that. I know that that sounds kind of silly, but that one sentence really struck a chord with me years ago and that is what has kept me going every time I wanted to "take the easy way out."

Tonight I was talking to my boyfriend about a variety of things. We were discussing our relationship and how it is going to change while he is abroad. He commented on how lively I looked after our discussion and how nice it was to finally have me back to the way I normally am. This is what prompted me to finally explain to him what it is like for me on a daily basis.

I told him everything I mentioned above, and then some, and it helped him to finally understand that it isn't him, it's me. (Cliche, I know.) Any time I am short with him (or anyone for that matter) or don't respond, it's not because I don't want to talk to him. Instead, it's because I can't. I get so stuck in my head, thinking about a million and one things, wondering what life will throw my way next, that I can't respond. Sometimes I just need time to not talk to people and that is hard for many people to understand. It's easier for me to respond with a short "yeah" instead of telling you exactly how I am feeling.

Maybe I am afraid of what people will think. Maybe I just suck at being open and honest. Who knows. All I know is that I don't want to be afraid of expressing myself anymore. Life is too short to care what other people will think. Mental illnesses should not be shoved under the rug or pushed aside.

I've spent most of my life thinking that having this laundry list of chemical imbalances and issues was the worst thing in the world. But guess what? It's not. These things make me who I am and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

Thanks, TWLOHA, for this.