Tough Choices

Seven. That's how many months it has been since I packed up and moved across the country to the gorgeous Evergreen state.

Six. That's how many months ago I met the beautiful woman whom I love.

Five. That's how many months it has been since my student staff arrived on campus and I began to feel like I loved my job.

Four. That's how many months ago everything started to change.

Three. That's how many months have gone by since I started crying every day after work.

Two. That's how many months ago I started seriously looking for a new job.

One. That's how many months have gone by since I visited the University of Maryland for an on campus interview and when I fell in love with it.

Packing up my entire life to move across the country seven months ago was one of the toughest decisions I have ever made. Deciding that my mental health was not worth sacrificing any more was even tougher.

When you're driving across the country, you have a lot of time to reflect. Over these last few days, I've been trying to pinpoint exactly when everything changed... and I honestly can't. I wonder "was it always this bad and I just ignored the signs?" or "did the shift happen over night?" As a woman, I have often struggled to find my place in the workplace. Am I speaking up enough in meetings or am I speaking up too much? Does it appear that I am working as hard as my male-identifying peers or does it appear that I am working less? Am I finding a good work/life balance or does it seem like I am uncaring? Am I working too much? Am I too intimidating to my peers? All of these things and more run through my head on a daily basis. For a while, I thought my concerns and how I was being treated was normal for a new professional. And then I took a step back and looked at my situation from the outside:

No, it is not normal to cry every night after work. 

No, it is not normal to work every day until 7, 8, 9, 10pm just to feel "caught up."

No, you should not be treated like garbage just because you're new.

No, being treated nicely once or twice DOES NOT make up for all of the shit you've trudged through.

I appreciate the experiences I had in Washington, the people I've met and bonded with, and the important life lessons I've learned.

My biggest takeaways are these:

1) Find incredible people who will laugh with you, even in your darkest hours.

2) No matter how terrible a situation may be, there is always something to laugh about.

3) When you find great people, hold on tight to them, even if you are separated by an entire country.

4) Know your worth. And know when it is time to leave.

and lastly,

5) Moving across the country is all fun and games until you do it twice in seven months...